If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
