so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dicks are not precious.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
