I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I think I just sharted jello shots
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
