He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
