I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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