i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
