Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
