i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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