So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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