My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
