I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
