Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it was like eating out sand paper
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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