So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
