Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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