god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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