I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Michael Bay diarrhea
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
They have beer where we have blood.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
