I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
