I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
