Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
