wrigley field is MILF paradise
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
