When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
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Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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