Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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