"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
