K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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