Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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