Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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