I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
this boner is exhausting
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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