perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
