so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
