one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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