yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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