you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
