i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
