You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Its about making memories worth repressing
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
