yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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