The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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