Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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