I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
