she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
