If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
