I could make wine with my vomit
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
