...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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