Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
