she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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