i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
