she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
