my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
