I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
