I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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