My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Soap is not a condiment
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
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