Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
