i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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