I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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