I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
