Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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