my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
